“I’d rather feel the benefits of the flames and risk everything, than not feel them, and risk nothing at all.”– Daniel Lyddon
Having bipolar disorder is like standing on the edge of a cliff in a thunderstorm: there’s an intense beauty about it, but ultimately in the end it’s just not a good idea. And that’s okay. It’s a well-known fact that if you play with fire, you just might get burned.
As I’ve put certain things in my life on the backburner (including this blog, for instance) to try and tackle another project, I have definitely spent more time in my head than usual. It’s been both eye-opening and frightening. The wheels are always turning , and even when I’m still being “productive” it can become exhausting on a dangerous level.
So, own it. You must own it. If you don’t own it, it will end up owning you.
Realizing that some of the worst aspects of having bipolar disorder are also some of the best ones makes it easier to use the illusion of ignorance to take advantage of it. You may love it, you may hate it, but you must own it.
It does get easier, though, but not because you get used to it. You just learn to try and brace yourself in a kind of frenzied preparation. No, it doesn’t always work, but you must take advantage of the times when you have some semblance of control. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and hope for the best.
I’ve spent a lot of time lately (more time than usual) trying to be purposefully self-reflective for a bigger project, and although I am thankful for the temporary gift of impulse control and the like, it’s still not hard to get lost in the internal chaos of my mind. And that’s what it is: an intense state of internal (and eternal) chaos that if it’s not completely debilitating, it controls and ultimately destroys you.
I’m going to return to this blog, not daily, but at least a couple days a week. This is an outlet that lets me share my experiences to help spotlight the topic of bipolar disorder. I hope I’ve done that without coming across as abrasive or pretentious. But I can’t worry about that now.
If all remains the same, March and April will be when I become manic. Maybe it’s because Spring is my favorites season. I used to look at it as a kind of personal beauty, accompanied by an intensity that can only be described as exquisite and capacitating. It ends up zapping you of everything, though. You become drained to a point of complete depression. The cycle is always the same, just like the directions on a shampoo bottle: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
It’s almost March, and if I continue to share on this blog during this upcoming “event” or period of time, there’s no telling how it’s going to come across. I may be rambling about anything or I may not. We’ll see.
I just have to learn and accept that sometimes to stand out it’s better to just blend in.