A Slight Return to the Madness

woman in gray tank top

“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends, and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees, and it laughs.”

– Marya Hornbacher

Well, it’s been a week or so since my last post, so this is just me checking in, I guess.

Of course, it’s been one of “those” weeks: work started back up (yards needed to be mowed). On top of that, I spent Wednesday and Thursday in bed, depressed as usual (I wish people knew what it meant to literally not be able to get out of bed).

But in my rapid cycling nature, I am back, and have spent the last couple of days in a state of “stifled mania” (the medication helps the severity of the episodes). Today is Sunday, though, and I’m glad to be able to enjoy the beautiful weather here. And no work. It’s a great day to spend with the family and I’m genuinely happy. It may be fleeting, and tomorrow is a new day. So, who knows, right? All I can do is all I can do.

The above quote is as accurate as it gets. It never goes away, the madness. You eventually realize the demons aren’t laughing with you, but at you. Like every time before, though, damage all but done, it passes like all else.

I’m planning on spending some more time on another writing project, as well, but I’m not going anywhere. I just needed a recharge.

I hope that’s all, anyway.

Of course, it’s been one of “those” weeks: work started back up (yards needed to be mowed). On top of that, I spent Wednesday and Thursday in bed, depressed as usual (I wish people knew what it meant to literally not be able to get out of bed).

4 Comments

  1. I don’t think nondepressed people can ever understand depression. Even those who experience it have a difficult time relating to others with depression. I know I can’t describe it once the episode has finished. It just hurts. Glad your episode passed. I wish I worked outdoors. Both of my kids have made vows to pursue careers that keep them outdoors. They are much smarter than me.

    1. Yeah, working outdoors has been a blessing the last couple of years, but sometimes even that’s not enough. I get depressed, get through it, and move on. I wish I could describe it as eloquently as Ginsberg or someone like that, but when it’s over I am at a loss as to how to describe it in any literary fashion I am proud of. But I’m sure I’ll have plenty more practice in the future.

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